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Lillian Eve Moore

This past winter was a sweet inspiration to revisit and complete healing on childhood traumas (that’s code for “I got triggered a lot”). When I feel into the wounds and deficiencies of my childhood, I can sometimes drop into self-loathing, with some part of me believing that I can never be as functional or as good as someone with a healthy, balanced upbringing.

They are childhood wounds that become reasons to lash out at a partner, or slink back from an opportunity, or just generally move in small, safe, feeling ways.

So in addition to carrying the wound, we carry guilt and shame about having the wound at all.

I know how to heal trauma. I’m actually a trained professional. But healing can’t happen while you are hating on the wound. You can pretty much render any healing art ineffective by using it to “fix” your sorry, broken self.

A context of acceptance is needed.

 

Today, while I was laying in a sunny patch of woods, I thought to myself, “Doesn’t the sun shine on all of us? Isn’t this earth under each one of us? What has supported me? What has sheltered me consistently? What has raised me perfectly? Sweet earth and sky, the Divine life force moving through it all!”

This Divinity is my true parent. This is what birthed me and raises me still. I will always be a perfect child to this Perfection.

My earthly parents are imperfect. They made harmful mistakes and missteps, but they also did the best they could. They gave everything they had to give, and they are also perfect children to that Perfection.

With that foundation of Love, each wound becomes a gentle lesson in resiliency, love, forgiveness, expansion, vulnerability, compassion. Each wound becomes a blessing to give thanks to.

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I felt like crap about myself, and I wanted to feel better.
I didn’t like most of what I had created in my life, and I wanted to create something better.
And from this place, the thought arose: if I want to feel better, and I want better things to happen, I need to be better.

I looked at all my mistakes, and all of the behavior I felt shame about, and yeah, I just wanted to be better.

I wanted to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend. I needed to be a better cook, teacher, coach, artist. It even infiltrated my self-care and spiritual home; I needed to be a better meditator, a better yogi, a better Lover, better at feeling good. I needed to be a better refugee of my childhood.

But somewhere in me, this wise child rebelled. She said, “I’m good! I am so, so, SO good. You don’t even know the beginning of my goodness! My always, every way goodness, wholeness, lovely lovely me!”

I wish I could tell you I listened…

…but I didn’t. Instead, I tried to be better. And it was painful. Even joyful practices like swimming, painting and meditating became painful. Taking care of myself was painful because it was with intent to kill.

I sentenced myself to death. Most of all, I sentenced a death to the part of myself that would judge me so hard. Judging my judgement. Resisting my resistance. Hating my hate. Trying to control my controlling reaction.

It was a miserable few months in the underworld, pushing a rock up the hill over and over, only to have the same lousy feeling and same lousy circumstances.

But Life is miraculous, and plants push up through the tiniest cracks in concrete.

 

Life is miraculous

The voice of my deepest knowing is reflected in the ones who keep their heart open to me, who know me and accept me completely, the courageous lovers of Me. With songs and walks in the wood, with shared meals and Love. Slowly, my resistance to myself weakened.

A friend asked me, “Why do you meditate?” I reluctantly admitted, “Lately, because I want to be a better person.” But that’s not meditation, that’s a twenty minute jail sentence: sit very still, and very quiet, and try not to be what you are.

Truly, I meditate because I love to sit in silence and feel the infinite Love of God. I swim to feel my body move and the water against my skin. I sing for the pleasure of my vibrating cells. I paint to enjoy the colors of my experience that I have no thoughts for.

I could say that feeling good makes me a better person, but right now, I don’t give a shit. I just want to feel good.

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If your mood (and with it, your perspective) stays consistently joyful, you can change everything else in your life.

We act as if it is our external circumstances that give us the internal experiences. In actuality, our life will always reflect our internal world back to us; a joyful disposition will bring you a life which supports that joy.

However, the things in your life don’t always change instantaneously; the opinions and molecules have to shift, and that can take time. It will happen, but it can take time.

Going from miserable to joyful may feel like you are having to drag your life with you. Your finances, your home, your relationships, your work: all may seem like they are holding you back. You have this new joyful disposition, and you’ve got this life you made when you were miserable that keeps reminding you to be miserable!

This is when it is such a good idea to go for something new

It’s not necessary to cut ties, quit, or move, but there is such power in being in a new place, talking with a new friend, having a conversation you just couldn’t have when you’re miserable with someone you wouldn’t have met.

try a new coffee shop, meet someone new

try a new coffee shop, meet someone new

Here is a list of some ideas to help inspire you:

Try a new…

  • coffee shop
  • route home (using public transportation)
  • class
  • volunteer project
  • outfit
  • park
  • spiritual practice
  • artist to listen to
  • and remember to look up, make eye contact, smile, and (yes!), say “hi”

This is creating life right now, where you are, in your joy.

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Oh, I am all about connection! I am desirous and revelatory and found in connection. In service, in friendship, in the woods, in sex, in nature, in eating living foods, here with you, singing to God, I find connection and in connection I feel the reality of who I am.

I love to focus on giving. I am a mother. I deeply desire to care for people. I also love being supported and seeing the miracles that are given to me every minute.

Mmmm, but there is a dance between connecting out and connecting in, and the past few weeks I have found myself reaching out and finding nothing there. Offering up and no one’s receiving. I felt alone like I haven’t in years.

Sometimes you just can’t find the connection, not to the people, the place, the work or even God. But you, darling you, are a microcosm of the whole Universe. Anything you do to yourself, you do with the whole of creation.

So give yourself some. Whatever it is you want to offer the world, give it to yourself. Whatever you are hoping she will say, or he will give or the experience will provide, give it to yourself.

I remember sitting in meditation one day 2 years ago and my energy aligned. You know how water moving through a hose will throw the hose around a bit? That happened in my meridians. It was like a shot of electricity went through me and my wiring smoothed out. Then, through the bottom of my feet and the top of my head I plugged in to the grid.

As we become healthier we nestle into to the divine movements of the Universe.

Giving yourself some allows that development, so you can plug in even deeper. Then you get more out of every bite and your offers are spot on.

To give myself some, I wrote a love letter.  I hope it inspires you to get sweet on yourself:

Dearest Lillian, 

My sweet Love. What can I tell you, but I am so grateful to be you. Every dream you have is just right for me. Every desire you have is just right for me. I will always be here to bring them to life. I am so deeply committed to your happiness. I give my life to it. I love seeing how your desires serve others. I am so proud of your generous, willing and incredibly brave heart. 

I love seeing what you have created. Your business, your children, your community, your home all fill me with gratitude and awe. I love seeing how you care for these things but even more I love seeing how you care for yourself. I love seeing you sing, and paint, eat just right and move and sweat and bath and pamper. Every part of your beauty becomes more radiant with your attention. 

I see you as unstoppable. I see you as incredibly powerful but I also see you as tender and vulnerable. I can feel where you hold back, shut down and hide from me. I will spend my life inviting you out with my unconditional love and acceptance. 

I can’t see what will come next but I am on the ride with you. I know it will be wonderful because I trust you completely and I will be there to support you. 

Yours truly

Lillian. 

If you feel inspired I would love to hear you give yourself some in the comments below!

 

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When you completely fall in Love with life, or you could say, you reconnect spiritually. Two things happen:

1. You feel as though anything is possible. 

This is lovely and true. When the roots of your spirit dig past the circumstantial evidence into the infinite flow of wellbeing and creativity, anything is possible. This truth is liberating. There is a simultaneous feeling of inspiration and freedom. Anything is possible and it doesn’t really matter what happens it is all in divine order.

2. You shrink back wondering: How?

As we straddle between faith in our connection and faith in our fear our little ego’s pipe up with lots to pull us away. Thoughts like “What do I do?” ” How do I choose?” “How do I  (insert circumstances you wish to force)?”. The possibility is immediately negated, believing we have to arrange for everything ourselves.

Let’s revel!

Let’s hang out with the freedom for a minute, with that first breath of energy returning to us. Let’s marinate in the desire to know ourselves, and participate in the goodness of life and God. Its so good and natural when we feel connected to want to contribute. Let’s stay with that energy, while we do what we are already doing. Let’s bring the inspiration to the work right in front of us. And while we work, let’s listen and think creatively.

It won’t stop there. Our oneness will not leave you deserted in your longing to realize. Let the freedom move into inspiration, into direction and into the specific guidance. Let your intellect extend your experience of connection rather than block it.

Act brilliantly and consistently on the guidance given and notice how much you did not even have to do because an unseen hand has arranged all the pieces for you.

When you have no idea how, say “Thank you”.  Thank you for all the mysterious movement of the Universe, for every leap life has taken without your effort. Hallelujah, its not all up to me.

What about our infinite creative powers? What about God within? Hard work? Discipline and education? 

Its true, when we connect with all that is, we not only surrender our personal control but we gain infinite power. Let’s apply the full force of that power where we are clear and guided. Let’s align our desires with the desires of the whole. When we don’t know where to put all of our efforts let’s put all of our efforts into getting clear.

Thank you for the opportunity to cover all of this with my mind and fingers and eyes. It is all for my benefit and I hope for yours too.

Love you.

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I did my first dry fast a few days ago, no food or water for 36 hours …

I am generally on, what I like to call “the pleasure diet”. I eat whatever is pleasurable to me. That means it feels good physically, emotionally, spiritually and it means that If I crave something I eat it. Typically, this diet is perfect for me.

If I am outside a lot, singing, meditating and present with my kiddos, my cravings are like a finely tuned detector, guiding me to exactly what my body needs. I eat a wide variety of plants, some cooked, some raw and the occasional consciously cared for animal.

This way of eating is pretty much how I do everything else. Its how I plan my schedule, how I spend my money, how I date.  And its great.

Accept that sometimes I am out of balance and I crave a donut and there is something about eating a donut that makes me want to eat some bacon, and brownies, and pasta and cheese. Now apply this to my whole life…

My entire guidance system off oriented towards empty calories, empty purchases, empty sex, and I wake up and can’t figure out why I feel so lousy.

Following pleasure is like following breadcrumbs. Each step might feel rewarding until you look up and realize you are way way of course.

Enter the fast. Out of absolutely nothing, what then? I find that my mind and body and spirit begin to clarify into such a precious state my standards are immediately raised. My desires recalibrate and I know what will be more deeply fulfilling and satisfying.

This is the fast I just did:

The feeling is similar to free diving, where you hold your breath for long minutes while you dive deep. The thrill and joy of being down there is only passed by the thrill and joy of breathing again. After diving, everything seems brighter and sweeter. Like cutting off all the dependancies to the outside world and diving deep, allows you to immerse more capable of connecting.

Lots of Love and happy fasting!

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I always want to speak to you. Truthfully, I dream about you. I dream about offering you gold from the fingertips to the computer. I dream about gold dripping out of my mouth as we sit together and talk about whatever you want to talk about, and it would cover our floor with preciousness.

But very often, I can’t find the floor.

Groundless, I tune in and ask, what do I know, that is useful? What could I offer as council and in answer, I get the sweetest smile from my own heart. That’s it.

Recently, I sent out a survey asking what kind of support you were needing. Most of you said I don’t know.  I don’t know either.

I am here with you in a house with children and bills. I stress about things and fight. My love life this year could have been a comedy if the leading lady hadn’t cried so much.

I sit, I sing, I write and process and my life progresses. I feel the presence of God in my life, in my being, sometimes a lot. Sometimes I feel peace. Sometimes I feel bliss in my body. Sometimes I feel connected to everything, ready to serve. Often it feels like heaven on earth and I look at my children and surrender my whole heart to joy.

With the bills and God and stress and bliss and gratitude and losing my temper and still miraculously, we are dancing in the kitchen together. We snuggle up in our sleep. I wish I had learned something.

I know nothing but that there is a sweetness in my heart that makes my own life worth living, to me. That sweetness in my heart has me seek you out for the sweetness in you.

I have positioned myself as a teacher and a leader but truthfully, I just want to be together as sweethearts.

As sweethearts, lets talk about love and debt and projects and all the things that matter the most to you and to me.

Thank you for being here with me.

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We can talk about worthiness, but to do so, we first have to pretend that you are separate. You are not. The whole of the universe moves through you.

Are you worthy of existence? Yes.

You are the source of existence. Are you worthy of being the source of existence? Yes.

The more important question is: are you enjoying yourself? This is your best indication of whether or not you are experiencing who you are.

Being who you are is the most natural thing. You will find yourself doing it any time you are not actively resisting. If you are actively resisting, all you have to do is think thoughts that are in line with who you are. These thoughts will feel true to you and they will be enjoyable to think. The rest of this recording will serve as a starting point for these kinds of thoughts.

Can you remember who you were when you were born? Can you picture a tiny, brand new baby in all their sweet perfection and know that sweet perfection was you?

You were born radiating the divine love light of creation.

You are the product of life being so in love with itself that it makes love, pollinates, goes to seed, births babies.

You might be believing that something has gone wrong in you, that life has damaged you, that the less than ideal circumstances of your childhood has damaged you. Maybe your parents weren’t fully, consciously participating in the love-making of life. Maybe childhood was mostly a lesson in what doesn’t feel good. You might think that all of this has broken you.

It hasn’t. The life force that is love, that is joy, that is desire for more still exists. It is still the foundation of all creation no matter what your experience of life has been so far. The earth is still moving around the sun, seeds are still sending sprouts out of the soil and into the air generating more and more life all the time. Wounds are healing, and as things die and rot, more and more life sprouts out of it.

All of this is who you are. The life force that is so in love with itself is so in love with you because you are life force. You are an extension of divinity reaching to extend more for the pure pleasure of existing and growing.

You are inherently good.

You are love. You are made of love. You are generating life. You are creating and moving the sweet life experience into deeper and further reaches through your personal experience. You are perfectly designed and you are doing so well. It is a delight to be alive with you!

Anything else you can know about yourself is purely for the purpose of diversifying your experience. You are exploring different states of being; you are creating yourself, which is your nature because you, too, are in love with yourself and in a constant state of expansion.

Lovingly

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The subway wishing well series:

This is a journal entry I wrote during one of the most difficult times of my life. I have been sharing recently about my growth and changes, in relationship to wealth. These articles were written when I was the poorest, in every way, that I have ever been. They are equal parts escape and venting. I didn’t publish them in my coaching blog because I was ashamed of how cynical and unproductive they were. Now I know the story has a happy ending and I want you to know if you feel like cynical now there is hope. These were written in 2010.

This particular article follows my process of releasing my childhood perceptions of money. I went through this process using tapping to move the emotions energetically.

It is so rare that we get to see the underpinnings of other families money dynamics I hope it provides insight and movement for you.

A Wealth Practice:

I am sick and tired of not knowing if I can pay the bills. I am sick and tired of being confused about the pursuit of wealth. I am sick and tired of feeling like the rugs being pulled out from me I am sick and tired of guessing. I feel stressed and confused and like I have so many unhealthy habitual ways when it comes to money.

From my Family

It seems like it was always up to luck. We were in crisis. We were rich then we weren’t. Making money was easy. Managing money was hard. Money was not to be valued. Being able to stand on your own two feet, mandatory. I bought my school clothes, and toothpaste with babysitting money starting at 11 and paid my rent throughout college when the rest of my sisters were covered.

From other family members I was taught entitlement. I was taught to be a princess. Expect the bill to be covered.

Its no wonder my finances are so messed up.

Transforming

I forgive my parents for not being financially stable. I forgive myself for feeling like I was unstable. I forgive my family for “buying my love”. I forgive myself for feeling guilty, desperate and greedy. I forgive myself and my parents for being irresponsible with money.

Insights

I don’t actually know what went on in my parents financial lives when I was a kid. I do know that I had vacations, horses, and 500 acres to roam. I bought my own clothes but I also went to one of the most expensive schools in the city. I paid my own rent but they bought me plane tickets and loaned me money for my business. Since I was little I have had to be very independent and I have also had incredible opportunities.

I have been given the perfect mixture of high expectations and work ethic.

Epilogue

My parents cosigned on $14,000 worth of loans for my education. I have opted to focus on investing more in my education and business in the last 5 years but have still paid it down to $3,848. Today my dad paid it off telling me I could pay him instead. It was incredibly generous and I am feeling really grateful.

Love

 

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Step 1. Give things away for free.

You create the culture around you through your values and behavior. By giving things away, you make it a normal way of relating. When you give for the joy of giving it shows other people how good it feels and pretty soon your whole community is reveling in giving things away!

We had two men from an ashram in Colorado staying with us. I consider it my sacred duty to feed people in my home so they were sharing breakfast, lunch and dinner with us every day for almost 2 weeks. This was a time when money was tight and the addition meant I was feeding 4 grown men and 2 boys (that eat like grown men) on my one income.
My husband was taking care of the kids, the visitors were traveling without any money and Srajan was still a full time student working part time for $8/ hr.
I decided that it was an honor to feed them and I wasn’t willing to consider any other options. The Sunday they left 2 friends (who had no idea about my predicament) dropped off 5 overflowing bags of vegatables from the farmers market. This was a total surprise!

2. Focus on other people’s needs.

When you are thinking about what other people need they feel safe to think about what you need.

My friend has two roommates. One of them always asks my friend if he needs anything when he goes to the store, does chores around the house without making a big deal and just generally is willing to help out. The other always wants exact change, lets everyone know what he has done, and always seems to be thinking about what is he going to get out of it. So the first roommate has freerange over my friends food and gadgets while the other one has to make a deal for everything.
We made veggie juice for our landlord almost every day during his first round of chemo. We cook him dinner and we plant trees in the yard. Our rent is about half market value. It is so low that decided to raise it ourselves.

3. Have faith in people.

Frequently, people aren’t as generous as they want to be because they are afraid other people will screw them over. The world is full of generous people walking around being stingy because they are afraid that other people are stingy. Pretty rediculous.

I was hitchhiking in Australia and every time I got a ride from an incredibly kind and helpful person they told me how dangerous it was to be hitchhiking. It was a little difficult to believe that there were so many kooks out there and I just happened to only meet generous, loving poeple. That is also all I met hitchhiking in New Zealand, Thailand, Hawaii, Mexico and all over the states.

4. Think outside of tit for tat.

Give where you are inspired to give. Give where you are needed and asked for. Give any time it feels good to give. That person or situation might not ever give back but it doesn’t mean you won’t be taken care of .

The day I started offering one of my premium products for donation I received $700 in unexpected payments totally unrelated to my program.

http://reconnectwithwealth.com

5. Understand where things come from.

Absolutely everything comes from the divine, through nature and through people. When you understand this you can stop trying to extract your needs from specific places. What you need will come to you if you are participating in the constant exchange of goodness.

I went for a hike in the preserve near my house. I wasn’t planning on being out that long but grabbed my pack with a water bottle, a blanket, a lighter, my fishing line. On the path I found a dead lizard that I picked up to use as bait later on. It was hot and I went through my water really quickly. About 7 miles in, and close to dark I found a spring coming out of the cliff. I filled up my water bottle through my line in the water. I caught a little cat fish, cooked it on a rock and slept happy on my blanket under the stars.

6. Be resourceful

Often the things we are looking for are already in our space. Repurposing is not only a profound way of showing respect for what you have (a critical component of having), it is also a way to show respect for the person, nature and divine that brought it to you.

My husband is king of this principle. I find that what was a broken mirror is now a disco ball bicycle helmet, old shipping pallets have become our boys bunk bed, grain from our local brewary becomes food for the chickens, and kombucha bottles become a chandelier.

7. Delight in desire

Most of us find the sensation of sexual arousal pleasurable. Desire itself is meant to be a joyful part of expanding into more. Why do we experience material want as such a stressful thing? Odds are the list of your desires is endless so if you bet your happiness on getting everytihng you want you are never going to be happy.

Finding joy in the present moment is not only the only option for happiness, it is also a great way to call things to you. Your happiness is an offering that inspires life to give you more goodness.
My luggage broke and it was ugly to begin with. I was taking frequent weekend trips and bummed out everytime I had to pack that wretched bag. Then as I was reading Mama Gena’s School of womanly arts, I realized I was not practicing attracting abundance. So I started to imagine my beautiful new bag. I could feel what it would feel like to pack it and not 24 hours later my mom gave me a brand new beautifully embroidered bag.

8. Be gracious.

Being gracious means first and foremost seeing and acknowledging what you have been given. Acknowledging that it is a gift, that regardless of your actions or who you are, you did not earn it. If thats how it worked, there would be no hardworking hungry people on the planet.

It means being grateful and communicating that gratitude in as many ways as you can relish in.

It means being grateful for the people around you, having what they want.

It means having integrity with the way you use the gift, the way you talk about it and the giver.

The list of things that have been given to me is pretty humbling. I have been given cars, dinning room sets, plane tickets, meals, rides, designer clothes, natural skin care, lots of money, classes, concerts, songs, massage/ acuppuncture/ healing/ therapy sessions, and this is just the abreviated list of things that typically cost money. I have been given so so so much more.

It is my task to be willing to receive and focus my heart on giving.

If you would like more support cultivating wealth, go here:  http://reconnectwithwealth.com

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