The subway wishing well series:
This is a journal entry I wrote during one of the most difficult times of my life. I have been sharing recently about my growth and changes, in relationship to wealth. These articles were written when I was the poorest, in every way, that I have ever been. They are equal parts escape and venting. I didn’t publish them in my coaching blog because I was ashamed of how cynical and unproductive they were. Now I know the story has a happy ending and I want you to know if you feel like cynical now there is hope. These were written in 2010.
This particular article follows my process of releasing my childhood perceptions of money. I went through this process using tapping to move the emotions energetically.
It is so rare that we get to see the underpinnings of other families money dynamics I hope it provides insight and movement for you.
A Wealth Practice:
I am sick and tired of not knowing if I can pay the bills. I am sick and tired of being confused about the pursuit of wealth. I am sick and tired of feeling like the rugs being pulled out from me I am sick and tired of guessing. I feel stressed and confused and like I have so many unhealthy habitual ways when it comes to money.
From my Family
It seems like it was always up to luck. We were in crisis. We were rich then we weren’t. Making money was easy. Managing money was hard. Money was not to be valued. Being able to stand on your own two feet, mandatory. I bought my school clothes, and toothpaste with babysitting money starting at 11 and paid my rent throughout college when the rest of my sisters were covered.
From other family members I was taught entitlement. I was taught to be a princess. Expect the bill to be covered.
Its no wonder my finances are so messed up.
I forgive my parents for not being financially stable. I forgive myself for feeling like I was unstable. I forgive my family for “buying my love”. I forgive myself for feeling guilty, desperate and greedy. I forgive myself and my parents for being irresponsible with money.
I don’t actually know what went on in my parents financial lives when I was a kid. I do know that I had vacations, horses, and 500 acres to roam. I bought my own clothes but I also went to one of the most expensive schools in the city. I paid my own rent but they bought me plane tickets and loaned me money for my business. Since I was little I have had to be very independent and I have also had incredible opportunities.
I have been given the perfect mixture of high expectations and work ethic.
My parents cosigned on $14,000 worth of loans for my education. I have opted to focus on investing more in my education and business in the last 5 years but have still paid it down to $3,848. Today my dad paid it off telling me I could pay him instead. It was incredibly generous and I am feeling really grateful.